Written with pencil...
It’s time again for the soul searching trip de facto shit. I can't feel the music again, I need a break from this city and other reasons. So i spend a week without internet and 3 days without a phone and penned a lot of thoughts on paper which i will replicate in the posts to come.All these posts were written on paper with a hb pencil. Damn, I can’t recall the last time I used a pencil. by the way i love stationary shopping !
Sometime back I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. This girl would send an e-mail/Text threatening to kill herself and when I would call her repeatedly post that, she just won't pick up the fucking phone, making me worried and anxious. That little thing which happened quite a few time with her left a minute scar in the back of my head, the presence of which I noticed recently. In fact every time I call up someone and they don't pick up the phone I go through the same feeling of withdrawal as I used to then. Funny how the fucking brain is. Stupid connections our brain makes. So I dislike calling up people I really like.
That relationship also left me not wanting to be with anyone and just crusin around. Which I did by going to parties meeting glamorous girls who wanted me for what I could do than for what I was. There were girls who seemed cool at first only to reveal their ‘undesirable’ side later on. I had no hope. All women were fucked up.
*********
And then one day I walked into this bar. She was quite a vision tho she claims it was just something she threw on matter of factly. She wiggled her nose when she laughed and drank like a guy. The music engulfed us and her hands felt cold. She looked at me with ' you are not going to mess this up are you ?" eyes And i ended the night by giving her a 'i will protect you from the rain and thunder' hug. surprisingly.
I met somebody recently. Somebody whose so special that she made me suspicious initially. What's different this time ?
Well for starters I am not my usual bastardly self. I am not lying or cheating or playing games (how i got over this is another post or 5). Just the occasional fears that come from all the jackassed-ness that i have been through in the past. i have a lot to loose, coz if this fucks up then well.. We both already discussed it. Funnily enough the troubles already started because of other people and we are unnecessarily getting affected by it. My friends think I should get the fuck out asap. she has situations continuing from the past she can't avoid. But I see something in her that I can't quite describe. I always know when I am gonna leave a situation, with this one I really don't.
She has a lot of issues resulting from past mistakes. People came and changed her as they pleased. and it doesn't help when i get into my shell sometimes. A part of her thinks i am going to be yet another mistake and a part of me know that when she's close to me with me and i confide in her things that i have wanted to for some time she will find a large chunk of her doubts disappearing. And Her little void filled with a little love.
However, somewhere along the line we both decided that this is not going to fuck up. The past will always haunt us and we both have had enough fucked up relationships between us to make us cautious abut this one.
For me it's already easier to erase each and every past fucked up thing coz’ it all led me to her eventually. She gets suspicious too easily and is going to take her time. She has a big mess to clear and i tell you when I win that Grammy and am walking down the stage after my acceptance speech chances are she won't be congratulating me but most probably will be asking me why I was standing so close to the woman who presented the Grammy and was I flirting with her. Damn she's cute ! But the world can bring it on. We'll just show everyone the finger and elope to Prague.
I can't wait to have her next to me. It feels like it has been years since I saw her last. I can't remember the last time I wanted to kiss someone so bad. This is crazy exciting. I am keeping myself in check. She hates it That I won't say it all on the phone. But I know that when we are in person, the passione is going to be incomprehensible. There’s something that I saw in those eyes of her that makes me feel that this is going to take both of our breaths away in the times to come. This is going to get better, after all is there any safety in numbers, if the right one walks out of the door ?
p.s. for the most part of this post i was talking to myself ! hmm
p.s.2. i warn you ! this blog is going to get more and more "dear diary"... for the sake of records and lack of memories-space in my head !
Sometime back I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. This girl would send an e-mail/Text threatening to kill herself and when I would call her repeatedly post that, she just won't pick up the fucking phone, making me worried and anxious. That little thing which happened quite a few time with her left a minute scar in the back of my head, the presence of which I noticed recently. In fact every time I call up someone and they don't pick up the phone I go through the same feeling of withdrawal as I used to then. Funny how the fucking brain is. Stupid connections our brain makes. So I dislike calling up people I really like.
That relationship also left me not wanting to be with anyone and just crusin around. Which I did by going to parties meeting glamorous girls who wanted me for what I could do than for what I was. There were girls who seemed cool at first only to reveal their ‘undesirable’ side later on. I had no hope. All women were fucked up.
*********
And then one day I walked into this bar. She was quite a vision tho she claims it was just something she threw on matter of factly. She wiggled her nose when she laughed and drank like a guy. The music engulfed us and her hands felt cold. She looked at me with ' you are not going to mess this up are you ?" eyes And i ended the night by giving her a 'i will protect you from the rain and thunder' hug. surprisingly.
I met somebody recently. Somebody whose so special that she made me suspicious initially. What's different this time ?
Well for starters I am not my usual bastardly self. I am not lying or cheating or playing games (how i got over this is another post or 5). Just the occasional fears that come from all the jackassed-ness that i have been through in the past. i have a lot to loose, coz if this fucks up then well.. We both already discussed it. Funnily enough the troubles already started because of other people and we are unnecessarily getting affected by it. My friends think I should get the fuck out asap. she has situations continuing from the past she can't avoid. But I see something in her that I can't quite describe. I always know when I am gonna leave a situation, with this one I really don't.
She has a lot of issues resulting from past mistakes. People came and changed her as they pleased. and it doesn't help when i get into my shell sometimes. A part of her thinks i am going to be yet another mistake and a part of me know that when she's close to me with me and i confide in her things that i have wanted to for some time she will find a large chunk of her doubts disappearing. And Her little void filled with a little love.
However, somewhere along the line we both decided that this is not going to fuck up. The past will always haunt us and we both have had enough fucked up relationships between us to make us cautious abut this one.
For me it's already easier to erase each and every past fucked up thing coz’ it all led me to her eventually. She gets suspicious too easily and is going to take her time. She has a big mess to clear and i tell you when I win that Grammy and am walking down the stage after my acceptance speech chances are she won't be congratulating me but most probably will be asking me why I was standing so close to the woman who presented the Grammy and was I flirting with her. Damn she's cute ! But the world can bring it on. We'll just show everyone the finger and elope to Prague.
I can't wait to have her next to me. It feels like it has been years since I saw her last. I can't remember the last time I wanted to kiss someone so bad. This is crazy exciting. I am keeping myself in check. She hates it That I won't say it all on the phone. But I know that when we are in person, the passione is going to be incomprehensible. There’s something that I saw in those eyes of her that makes me feel that this is going to take both of our breaths away in the times to come. This is going to get better, after all is there any safety in numbers, if the right one walks out of the door ?
p.s. for the most part of this post i was talking to myself ! hmm
p.s.2. i warn you ! this blog is going to get more and more "dear diary"... for the sake of records and lack of memories-space in my head !
2 comments:
why did i know this before you wrote it
so weird...i check your blog for updates fairly regularly and since there wasn't much recently i thought "he must have found himself a woman"
now if it only works with lottery number =\
868, i didnt try to find her... she crashed into me somehow.. serendipity...
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